I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
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