I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Randomize
