Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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