note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
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