new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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