I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I faked an abortion last night.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Randomize
