That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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