I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
