proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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