can u get pink eye on your cock?
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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