i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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