I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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