NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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