He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
