lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
