I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
