saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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