Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
