Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
