He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
