I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Randomize
