forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
There r osticjed everywhere
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
