Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
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