He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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