I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
