I didn't shave. On purpose
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
he was CRYING into my vagina
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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