theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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