i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
