Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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