I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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