the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Randomize
