Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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