Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
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You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
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What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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