Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
