Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
