Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
