please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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