My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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