Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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