i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
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When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
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They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
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