I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
