in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
