either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
