the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
