Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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