He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
