I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize