Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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