Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
