i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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