There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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