I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Randomize
